Dry-Erase Board Madness

These are the flight boards that control my life at work. This was a particularly "busy" day of flight movement planning. When the weather gets bad or an air-craft breaks down, we immediately start shuffling cargo and passengers around, changing routes, activating back-up missions, and running around like chickens with our heads cut off. It's like juggling a glass of wine, a chainsaw, and a blow torch with one hand. (Usually at the end of the day, I leave work craving a glass of wine. a chainsaw, and a blow torch).

This is an example of a "foul weather" day so the board looks like a plate of spaghetti.

I like writing poetry about my colleagues to ease the tension in the office.

Limericks are my specialty!

We had to put this limerick to an office vote.

Hahaha...they wrote this limerick about me on my day off.

There once was a gal named McCord
Whose coif was as stiff as a board
She stitches her own garments
And wears hats made of varmints
And did you know she's from Texas? Good Lord!

'Tis A Lonely Life!

This has been my home for the last 5 months.

Living in isolation for so long can make a girl go bonkers

This is my best angle

I'm just kidding. This is not my home. This is actually our "pee tent" located at the base of Mount Erebus volcano. The only place for miles around where I can get some "me time." This tent is an exact reproduction of  Sir Robert Falcon Scott's tent from 1906. This tent design retails for $1,500. It is made of a thick rubber material. It is uncomfortably warm, and it smells like a swimming pool inside. I would not want to live in it. 

"Trash-face" The Skua Pirate

I hate Skuas.....They are Antarctica's pesky, harassing, birds of prey. 

The size of small eagles, their wingspans can stretch up to 5 feet across.

Unfortunately the only prey on this continent are baby penguins and penguin eggs. For thousands of years these enormous birds have been swooping down on penguin colonies. They snatch up baby chicks and eggs and devour them in front of the helpless, slow-witted penguin parents.

However, a new target of "prey" has popped up in the past few decades for this ancient bird. 

New Prey=The McMurdo Dumpster

On any day of the week, you can walk by the big food dumpsters near the galley and see "Trash-face." He is the biggest, meanest, scariest of all the Skuas that scrounge around McMurdo Station. He is mangy, loud, and I am pretty sure he wears an eye-patch.

Trash-face lies in wait for any day-dreaming McMurdo townsperson to saunter out of the galley with a hot plate of food. He targets his poor victim (who is most likely thinking about the next Star Trek episode that he is going watch in his room while eating his deep-fried food). Then Trash-face noiselessly dive-bombs the plate of food and knocks the nerd off his access sending the plate of food askew.

Then the Feathered Pirate flies away in gloating victory with a slice of pizza dangling from his beak.

It is a deeply frightening and embarrassing moment for the McMurdo nerd. Fortunately this has never happened to me as I am much too cat-like and alert to be attacked by nature's predators. I tend to sprint like Quasimodo all the way to my dorm, hunkered over my food plate.

Trash-face and I have an armed truce.

(If you really want to start a feud with some unsuspecting co-worker here, you can secretly place a cookie in the hood of his/her jacket as he is walking outside. Then watch and wait for Trash-face to Kamikaze his butt. It's pretty funny).

In conclusion, the unpopular Skuas are one of the few creatures that make up the macro-ecosystem of this frozen continent.  

As in any great Shakespeare play, the world is a stage, and every player plays it's role:

The Penguins are always the adorable Heroes.

The Seals are always the hilarious Buffoons.

...And the Skuas will always be the unwitting, universally-hated Villains.

It's a lonely life being hated

My First Antarctic Foot-Race

Now that I have gracefully entered my 30's, I avoid the sport of running as part of my "anti-aging" regime. Whenever my friends back home suggest we sign up for some charity run, I conveniently have "other plans" that weekend.

But if you say that the race is going to be in Antarctica and that I can wear a costume, I'll be the first idiot to sign up.

On Thanksgiving Day, McMurdo Station held it's annual 5K Turkey Trot. The route covered the road next to the sea ice from McMurdo Station to Scott Base (the New Zealand station nearby).

Before the race started, I sauntered up in my 1980's prom dress with my Go-Pro camera ready to take on this continent and have some fun. To my dismay, the starting line was full of "serious runners" who must have missed the memo about wearing a fun costume.

(Fortunately a couple of the guys were running in ballerina tutus so I didn't feel completely out of place).

After sprinting uphill directly into the sub-zero winds for the first 1.5 miles, I suddenly realized that beginning my running career in Antarctica was not the smartest of life decisions. 

Running on this continent sucks for three reasons:

1) The extreme cold makes your lungs want to collapse and explode at the same time.

2) You are in constant danger of rolling your ankle on one of the many HUGE volcanic rocks strewn all over Ross Island.

3) If you don't roll your ankle on a volcanic rock, you will most likely fall face-down on a patch of ice and break a tooth.

Whatever you do, Kelly, do NOT throw up. You are wearing your favorite costume, and you are being filmed from several different angles.

Somehow I refrained from vomiting, and I managed to muster up a "Forrest-Gump sprint" the last half mile of the race.

And there I was, duking it out for "middle-ish" place with some out-of-shape military guy for a photo finish! 

I have since then retired from my illustriously-mediocre running career.

Big thanks to my friend Robert from the Air National Guard for putting this awesome video together!

What Lies Beneath the Ice

My Doppelganger Ego Check

Unfortunately my ice friends have discovered that I bear a striking resemblance to Bette Midler from Hocus Pocus. 

(Out of all the celebrities in Hollywood, people are constantly identifying me with a middle-aged Jewish woman.....and the sad truth is I can't even sing).

After our department Christmas party, this spliced photo went viral at McMurdo Station....hahaha.

I struggle with "high self-esteem" issues, and I tend to brandish my adventures and my self-proclaimed awesomeness to any obliging audience.

So if my ego ever gets out of check (which often-times it does), one of my well-meaning colleagues will send me a gentle reminder that I am indeed NOT Audrey Hepburn walking around in Grace Kelly's body.

Hahaha, I just love my colleagues....

Feedback From My Readers

Hahahaha....after earnestly seeking feedback on my blog, my colleague sent me this. (He never ceases to inspire me to reach for the stars).

Penguin Prostitution

Hey Cousin!! Hey! Hey!

I love penguins....they look like drunk, uncoordinated children wearing cute, little onesie costumes.

But let's talk about the dark side of our adorable feathered friends. Adelie Penguins are one of the few species in the animal kingdom that engage in prostitution.

(I find this ironic since penguins mate for life).

Penguins use stones for building their nests. It protects their eggs from the sub-zero ground temperatures. In Antarctica, if there is a shortage of stones at a nesting sight, Adelie penguins trade sex for stones.

The female penguin sneaks around on her partner who clearly isn't performing his husbandly duty of bringing home stones for their baby to sleep on. Scientists are unsure if the husbands are pimping out their wives or if they are completely clueless to their wives' extra-curricular activities. 

He sure looks like a pimp to me

Another trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond for pillows 

The prostitute wife then copulates with an unattached male and takes a pebble afterwards. Sometimes she performs the courtship ritual dance as a trick to distract the male. Then she grabs a stone and tries to run back to her nest. The unattached male misinterprets this teasing behavior, and he beats her up. 

Rent ain't gonna pay fo' itself!

The gold-digging female rarely wins in the end....much like a ghetto gangster rap song.

Other studies suggest the adulterous behavior amongst the female penguins is part of their "mate-choice process" in case their current mates should die. (I have read about similar behavior happening in nursing homes across America). The ladies are simply cruising around test-driving the local talent since their husbands' deaths are nigh. 

(This reasoning could possibly stand up in a Swedish court of law).

But who knows the real reason for this brothel behavior...

My conclusion:

Female penguins are sexual deviants, male penguins are clueless, lazy, perverts, and Antarctica is a debaucherous place. It's the penguin equivalent of Caligula, and I am the most innocent creature on this continent. 

So the next time you start whining about wanting a pet penguin, just think about those naughty little promiscuous swingers, and thank God for your nice, quiet goldfish.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Awkward Graduation Photo

Experts at Camouflage

Dysfunctional Family Christmas Photo

This is how my colleagues and I spent Christmas Eve. We don't get invited out much.