The Mountain Men Of McMurdo

I have been receiving a number of inquiries from my female friends, “What are the guys like in Antarctica? Lots of handsome lumber jack types?”

Well the closest encounter I ever had to a lumber jack was watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers as a child. (You can imagine my disappointment when I came face-to-face with the real thing).

I think I suffer from “Face-blindness” because I can’t tell any of these dudes apart. I blame it on the rampant outbreak of facial hair that has overtaken McMurdo station.  All the men must have attended the same Duck Dynasty Convention before they deployed to Antarctica. Or perhaps they just finished reading Leviticus, decided to take the Nazarite Vow and never cut their hair again?

I don’t know how people can tell each other apart down here. We all walk around in puffy extreme-weather gear making it impossible to assess body type, stature, and height. This place reminds me of New York in January. It’s dark and freezing and everyone is wearing bulky coats. To quote Tina Fey, “you can do some serious subway flirting before you find out the guy is homeless.”

But I digress….

I don’t think the men at McMurdo realize there is a fine line between looking “handsome hipster” and looking “homeless.” They are extremely proud of their beards, and many are preparing their facial locks for the notorious, annual Mustache Roulette.  

Mustache Roulette occurs in January, and it is like “Movember” on crack (and with a Roulette wheel). People bid serious money to get their buddies to shave wild designs into their beards and hair. Then they glue the leftover hair onto each other’s freshly shaven skin. Last season the “Half n Half” look was quite enVogue at McMurdo. (The left side of the beard was completely shaved to diagonally compliment the right side of the head…also completely shaved).  

Not sure if I should eagerly anticipate Moustache Roulette. What lies beneath a man’s beard may or may not be an improvement. Fortunately all the proceeds are given to a prostate cancer charity which makes this event fun and slightly altruistic.

In conclusion, Ladies….It’s no Seven Brides for Seven Brothers down here. You take away the Brides. You take away the trees. And all you’ve got left is a bunch of scruffy, backwoods Brothers who can’t sing or dance.

….But they do have hearts of gold….(or so they keep telling me).